My dad and I talk by phone from time to time. He is 88 years old and unfortunately living on the other side of the country. We don’t see each other as often as we would like, but we do enjoying talking. Today we were talking about the work Julie and I are doing in preparing to offer marriage seminars online. The discussion turned to essential habits in marriage. As we talked we agreed that charity, or pure love, was essential to a happy marriage.
We were discussing this when my dad said something I knew I wanted to share here on our blog. We agreed that charity begins when we stop trying to change our spouse. Then he said, “It makes marriage a lot less stressful.” I asked him to explain, and he did.
My dad has been married for 64 years and I’ll add that he’s been happily married, first to my mother for almost 40 years until her death and then for nearly 25 more to his second wife. He knows what he is talking about. Perhaps reducing stress in marriage is one of the keys to living 88 years. I’ll have to ask him about when we talk next.
Anyway, he explained that always trying to change your spouse or control their behavior is stressful, because we don’t really have any control over the process. We are trying to choose for someone else. When we let go and allow our spouse to be who and how they are, we surrender in our efforts to force and control.
As I thought about this after I hung up, I realized the truth of this idea. When we try to change our spouse to fit our idea of what or how they should be or when we try to change their actions we are infringing on their agency or their free will.
Trying to coerce, manipulate, our guilt our spouse into treating us better will never work. But love will.
We might complain that we “just can’t live this way any longer” and blame our spouse for our dilemma. But this is another abuse of free will. When we limit ourselves, chaining our ability to change to our spouse’s actions, we are limiting our own free will. This is just as flawed as taking away our spouses agency.
But, when we let go of needing to control we become free to act on our own. If our spouse angrily criticizes us, we are free to choose to be angry in return and we are free to be kind. However, we are not free to control our spouse’s moods or reactions.
Yes we want our spouse to speak kindly to us, perhaps even desperately so. Maybe we’ve been kind and it hasn’t seemed to make a difference; our spouse is still critical. These are real and difficult things to go through. But this truth remains, trying to coerce, manipulate, our guilt our spouse into treating us better will never work. But love will.
It may take time to influence our spouse with nothing but love, but choosing to be kind first and always will have a greater impact than anything else. We are free to be kind in the face of unkindness, complimentary in the face of criticism. It feels good to have freedom and power to respond with good. And while it does not feel good to be the object of unkindness, returning the same or any form of criticism will not make us feel better.
Here’s to the freedom, and stress-free living, that come from allowing each other to change in our own time as we are influenced by one another’s love and kindness.
Thanks Dad for your wisdom.