Spelunking! It can be an adventure, fun, or painful. As a college student, I was invited to go spelunking. My friends had explored the cave previously and understood the challenges. They, with flashlights and strong arms, guided and lifted us through. Some areas of this cave opened wide and tall. But some places required climbing over ogre-sized boulders or shimmying through a three-sizes-too-small crevice. Only forcing your breath out and inch worming got you through, with scraped knees and shins. Knee deep, frigid water flowed through, adding slippery coldness to claustrophobic scrambling. Sadly enough, I recall only those features of the cave.
Tom and I have been discussing topics for a marriage seminar. As we do so, an interesting phenomena occurs. Emotions spill out. Tender wounds once mended reopen. As we discuss other marriages, we recognize that their problems have once been, or continue to be, our problems. The fact that we are still happily married shows that those problems have not dictated our success or failure. Our marriage has been filled with love and mutual service. Why, as we discuss how to best serve other marriages, do the scraped knees and claustrophobia encroach on our current moment. Perhaps because, as we seek to understand, we have to analyze the problems to see true solutions. We now recognize the core struggles. Because we see, we can guide others through the crevices and over the boulders.
I notice that most struggling couples forget the beauty of the happy moments. Instead, they fixate on the scraped knees. They remember the pain, the stifled breath or the rough scramble upward and through. That becomes the mindset that dictates the view of their marriage. Other events become boulders, seemingly too difficult to maneuver around, or icy water to trudge through. Eventually, anger and misery crowd out the joy, pushing happiness from the deepest recesses of their hearts.
Every marriage experiences those craggy, icy moments. Every cave is different, but spelunking is spelunking. A flashlight, sturdy shoes, and a buddy are basic tools to maneuver through. Although each relationship is unique, the problems and solutions are universal. Communication, finances, intimacy, spirituality, and respect challenge every marriage. We choose how we let the challenges define or affect our relationship. My husband and I have been married for over 27 years. We have experienced each of these challenges. We still experience different ways the same old boulders, disguise themselves as new. We recognize them now, and develop new skills constantly to get over or around them. We can laugh at many of these “opportunities” because we see how far we have come, and yet we have circled and returned.
A few days ago, we sat , discussing communication problems. I teared up, trying to explain how women feel. I choked and blurted various emotions. My dear husband felt that I was expressing current frustration and responded like a critter being attacked. He spoke of something that to me, there was no connection. To him, that was exactly the issue. Past moments of frustration pressed into the present. We both stopped, recognizing the current boulder blocking our communication. We discovered that, even now, there are opportunities to change perspective. This could have turned into an ugly moment. Instead, we listened calmly to each other. We sought to understand. We reminded ourselves how much we love and support each other. This became a good moment, worth remembering as an obstacle overcome.
We focus on the awe inspiring, beautiful moments much more now. We pray more during the knee scrapers, and laugh at the belly squeezers. We could let go of a few extra pounds anyway. Blame, resentment, and criticism are extra baggage that prevent forward motion. We recognize and are truly grateful for the helping hands and guiding light each brings to our marriage. Spelunking through life. Stalagmites and stalagtites or rough boulders, freezing water and tight crevasses. What moments do you choose to focus on?